04/02/17 Stunned

I had an awkward interaction with my roommate last night. They came home and told me a story about how they had been verbally harassed on their bus ride and feared it would turn physical. I tried to console them by reminding them that we had intended to start doing self defense lessons together (I did martial arts in my youth and I have a very interesting work conditions that keep my reflexes high) and working out, and that we could start that at any time.

Their response: “You always say you’re going to work out with me, but then you never do because you’re high all the time!”

I was speechless, because I couldn’t deny their claim. I agreed after an awkward silence. But I was hurt. I thought they understood that I am living with addiction. They help defend me against ableism for my mental illness, so I really wasn’t expecting a remark like that to ever come out of their lips. I told them that I am in a very bad place right now, and don’t know how to get out of it; so I use to avoid it until I can deal with it better. I reminded them that I’m still struggling with things like brushing my teeth twice a day and showering enough. Never mind other forms of self care.

The irony is, I’m going to be sober in about two days cuz I’m about to run out of my supply and I’m broke. I’ve slowed down my use in hopes to wean myself off a bit better than previous times. I’ve been sober before, and I do want to be sober, so hopefully being broke will help me get away from it again.

Using less has allowed me to do more things around my home, which makes me feel good. I am recognizing that I am really not taking care of my body and I need to. I do want to be working out. But I am so out of shape that I do really need to start slow.

I’ve just put a schedule together for myself to attempt to get me to do the thing that I should be doing. It’s not my first one, but one day I will make my last. This one is very simple, not trying to do too much. Its got simple things like hygiene, dog walks, and what to read on what day of the week. I’ve split it up based on different start times for my job and when I should be doing each specific thing. As I stick to it better, I can gradually add in more things.

I really fucking need this to work because I’m tired of my life being in shambles.

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